A PEARL OF LONGING

 The Apostle Paul reminded the Christians in Philippi that “our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also look for a Savior, our Lord Jesus Christ . . .” (Philippians 3:20 NKJV)

A line from a song by my grandson, Martin Maharas, goes, “I don’t belong to this world as they can see.” I ask myself, “Is it abundantly clear to the unbelieving citizens of this world that I am an alien, a stranger and a pilgrim on this earth (Hebrews 11:13)?

One blessing of my widowhood that I’m gradually coming to appreciate is my sense of alienation from the things of this world and a longing for heaven, and even beyond that “intermediate state,” the “new heavens and new earth in which dwells righteousness” ( 2 Peter 3:13).

My progress toward this new outlook has been painful because we Christians, like all humans, are physical as well as spiritual beings. God has gifted us with the ability to enjoy physical pleasures. For instance, we have a sophisticated sense of taste (unless, of course, we have been afflicted with COVID-19!). Yet, our enjoyment of food can be a source of sin. The Bible warns against gluttony right along with drunkenness (Proverbs 23:21). Indeed, it can be idolatry. Paul says that some people’s “god is their belly” (Philippians 3:19).

God also designed us to find sexual intimacy pleasurable, and it is hardly necessary to elaborate on the sinful abuses of that gift! Yet widowhood is a forced celibacy for the committed Christian. Admittedly it is more painful for some than for others. Paul told the Corinthian Christians, “For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that . . .” For me, celibacy is not my “gift”. Though my bathrobe looks like a monk’s habit, that’s not who I am! I bear this “crook in the lot” in obedience to God and in faith that He has a good purpose for it. But it's a trial all the same.

Then there is the loneliness. We are social beings, and most of us long for the companionship of a spouse. Church services and other social gatherings give some relief, but they can’t fill that void of having someone with whom to share our thoughts throughout the day and especially in the evening. Those lonely evenings are the worst.

These irritations of widowhood, like grains of sand in an oyster, have produced the pearl of greater longing for God’s heavenly kingdom. That kingdom is coming whether people are longing for it or not! Sadly, many professing Christians will be caught unprepared. It’s a blessing to have that longing for heaven:

“Blessed is that servant whom his master, when he comes, will find so doing.” (Matthew 24:46)

“Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing.

(2 Timothy 4:8)

So I’m finding a hidden pearl in my widowhood. “Even so, Come, Lord Jesus!”

ALONENESS. n. a state of being alone.

 Aloneness is not the same as loneliness. A person can be alone and not be lonely. When my wife as out of town helping my daughters-in-law after they had given birth, I was not lonely. I knew my wife would be back, and besides, she called me every evening. Her love was my constant comfort and companion, and the anticipation of her soon return energized me. 

 On the other hand, people can be lonely though surrounded by other people. That is my condition every time I shop at Walmart. In fact, the presence of people, especially couples, accentuates my loneliness.

 Aloneness is something we are told widows and widowers can get used to. Apparently some do. I have not. And when I get some glimpses that my aloneness may end, only to see the vision evaporate like the morning fog, I feel more alone than ever.

 After over half a century of marriage to a wonderful woman whose love I did not deserve, God is teaching me what aloneness really is. And it appears that this “crook in my lot” is not to be lifted anytime soon. Perhaps God wills that I bear it till He takes me to heaven.

ALL WAS RIGHT FOR A MOMENT

 As I woke up this morning, just for a moment I had the comfortable feeling that all was normal. I had the distinct sensation that my wife was still sleeping by my side and I must be careful not to wake her. It was not as though I had awakened from a bad dream; it was like the bad dream had never happened. The last two years were erased. I would go downstairs, make a cup of instant coffee and have my devotions. Linda would get up in an hour or so and call down to me in her musical voice, “Coffee’s ready!” (She always made cappuccino for both of us.)

 That sensation that she is lying beside me happens a lot. At night I suppress a cough for fear I’ll awaken her. I’m careful about rolling over so as not to disturb her. A verse from Song of Songs always comes to mind:

             I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem,

By the gazelles or by the does of the field,

Do not stir up nor awaken love

Until it pleases. (Song 3:5 NKJV)

In those precious fleeting moments, I feel Linda’s presence and life feels normal again. But then the harsh light of reality dispels the illusion. Like an amputee who senses that his leg is still there, I must face the fact that part of me is gone and I must cope without her.

 

THE ORDINARINESS OF LONELINESS

 

“I brush my teeth, I put the cap back on.

I know you hate it when I leave the light on.

I pick a book up and I turn the sheets down,

And take a deep breath and a good look around.

Put on my pj's and hop into bed,

I’m half alive, but I feel mostly dead.

I try to tell myself it’ll be alright,

I shouldn’t think anymore tonight . . .”

Jewell

That song by Jewell no longer provokes the profuse tears and choking sobs that it did just over a year ago. But it still makes my lips tighten and my eyes moisten. Although the song is about a failed romance, the words strike deep into the heart of a widowed person. It’s the ordinariness of everyday life that constantly reminds a widower that he is alone.

I have never gotten “used to” being alone. It’s an unnatural state for a man. God said so. “It is not good that the man should be alone.” It was God Himself who brought the woman to the man. In my case, God has mercifully given me some relief in the form of video chats with someone who has grown to love me. But as yet God has not brought her to me. In this strange new virtual world, she and I can fold clothes together on video and almost feel like we’re in the same room. But we are not. And when the chat ends, as it must each morning and each evening, the ordinariness of loneliness returns. Unlike Jewel, however, I don’t “hop" into bed; I sadly roll under the sheets and try to imagine that this solitariness will not last too much longer.

It’s that hope that love will again inhabit my house and make it a home that keeps me going and reasonably sane. And that hope is based on my faith that God did not bring that special woman into my life from across the ocean for no reason.